Apocalypse Now (Again)!

[I can’t say it better than this:] So this is it. We’re going to die. – Arthur Dent

From the Can’t-make-this-stuff-up Department:

Tomorrow is the end of the world as we know it. While I binge on Pinkberry and Mister Softee I will be waiting for the news about the earthquake in the South Pacific at 6pm which will signal the beginning of the end. Yes, the day many religious (and some not-so-religious) have been waiting for is finally upon us! The Rapture! The Day of the Chosen! The Destruction of All We Hold Near and Dear…because we suck sinned.

So, let’s see: the Mayans were wrong, the Seventh Day Adventists were wrong, Jehovah’s Witnesses were wrong, Nostradamus was wrong, Pat Robertson was wrong (say it ain’t so!), etc., etc., etc.

[If I only had a nickel…]

But the latest prediction is obviously right. The gentleman who has performed the latest calculation is a civil engineer by training and has enough money from his religious endevours to plaster various cities and buses with billboards and ads to make sure that we know only the select few are going to be led into heaven (or for those of you easily offended: Heaven) while the rest of humanity pays for figuring out evolution, the benefits of flossing, and that there is no God (oh, now I’ve done it).

As I am sure many of you have already heard he had originally predicted the end of the world occurring on September 6, 1994. Must have been a rounding error.

Anyway, I could go into the history of end-of-the-world predictions, but National Geographic has done a nicer job with nicer pictures.

I wonder if any National Geographic photographers will be spared? Certainly not the people who ate hot dogs on meatless Fridays. Or comedians. Comedians are definitely going to hell.

But this post is about the end of the world not about people with so much time on their hands that they use their favorite book as a Rorschach test. I mean, I do it all the time with Lord of the Rings; who am I to cast the first stone (now, about the second stone…!).

Of course, this begs the question: will true believers become more pious or less pious? If you think you are one of the chosen wouldn’t that make you prideful (one of the seven deadly sins, for those of you of the ignorati. Who cares what the other six are)? Or just stupid (not a deadly sin, but certainly deadly)?

All I know is that I am going to stay glued to my TV all day waiting for news of the quake (“…people will be able to watch the devastation as the quake works its way around the world to reach them all at 6 PM local time at their location.”). At that point I will cross the line, let loose, and really let go: I will grab a bottle of the most expensive wine I can buy from the liquor store across the street, eat a Big Mac, down a chocolate shake, and eat as many Suzy Q’s and donuts as I can stand (and then eat a few more) before heading back to my apartment to grab some shut eye while I wait for October 21 when god will finally destroy the entire planet and we can finally get some rest from all of the crap we’ve had to live with since human beings woke up one morning millennia ago and thought “My neighbor doesn’t believe what I do. I should probably kill him, his entire family and their pets. Especially their dog. I am pretty sure god wants me to.”

Who would have thought so many could be so wrong for so long about something so final. Oh, and they’re probably wrong about the end of the world, too.

But just in case: I will still have the Pinkberry and Mister Softee tomorrow. And maybe the wine. And lots of French Toast.

Just in case.

[Depressing update: Gosh darn it all to heck! It is 2:30pm on Sunday May 22 in Australia (which, as we all know, is in the South Pacific). Let down again. I’m still going for the Pinkberry and Mister Softee…!]


TEOTWAWKI: “The-end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it” prophecies

National Geographic: May 21 Doomsday Pictures: 11 End-of-the-World Predictions

MEATLESS FRIDAYS and the Official Church Law

CHRISTIANIZING SECULAR CUSTOMS, A Biblical look at Christmas, Easter, and Halloween

CDC Warns Public to Prepare for ‘Zombie Apocalypse’

Social Media: Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, recruiter, psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist or anyone with professional credentials who might actually speak authoritatively on life, the universe or anything. I’ve just been around a while. The above is for informational purposes only. Make up your own damned mind.


About cvalcarcel

Any and all opinions stated here do not reflect the thoughts, opinions or anything in any way shape or form of whoever my current employer happens to be at any given time. The opinions stated here probably don't even reflect my own opinions.
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